okay lately things have been madd crazy with me i swear its soo wierd ..
okay first of all .. why do people who dont like me cause im a shit talker and lier .. look at ma journal? .. sweety dont worry your name isnt in here .. ull never be good enuff for that sorry .. and trust me i dont think about you at all .. so dont worry about that .. im over you now .. u aint shit to me no more... no one likes you anymore ..
okay lately ive been questioning who are my real friends .. today in school i was in the bathroom, and i was smokin a square all by ma self and i juss started busting out crying. i dont know where i stand .. i dont even know who i am anymore ... its soo hard for me to stand up straight when i have so much bringing me down. i was in there for the whole hour juss crying. thinking about everything. i cant stand my "friends"
everyone knows my fuckin aunt julie and ma uncle .. and for some reason they think because there nice and they sell pot to them and shit that they can juss go and tell them whatever they feel about me. cayla asked my uncle if i had any weed on me. wtf is that? if i asked her mom if she had weed .. i dont think she wudd be too happy.
then tha whole brittany thing .. .now i hear that chrissay and mark were up at seven elevan and seen ma uncle and were like oo ur ambers uncle shes a cool ass girl .. i smoked with her last week. .. wtf? .. i mean im to the pointe now where i dont even care no more .. whatever right?
and then i have this like gap inside of me ... every now and then ill start thinkin about how things were when i lived with my daddy .. and my little brother. i think about how whenever i was upset my dad would come and talk to me. we would stay up soo late juss talking. and i remember whenever i was sick, he acted like it was the end of the world. lol he would always be there .. now that hes gone, im realizing what its like to have to take care of myself. and its soo hard. and some times i feel like calling him. but i know it wont matter.
its hard for me. im not used to this at all. and i miss him soo much. i have this emty feeling .. its like im ALONE .. litterally ..
and i feel bad for anton, because he has to put up with me. i love him soo much, this might sound wierd .. but seriousely sinse my dad is gone i need some type of guy to take care of me. so anton fills that gap some what. and thats why i get so scared of loosing him. because if i loose him too, i dont know what ill do. and when he hurts me, it hurts soo much worse because i think about everything all at once.
and i had the worse childhood ever with my mother. so when it comes to trust .. i have issues, i cant trust anyone, i trusted my mom. i really did, but she never came through, and i trusted my dad more then anyone .. and he juss threw me out .. put me away .. like i was nothing to him. he didnt even say good bye to me.
i guess whenever some thing bothers me... it alll comes back to me. and its okay to cry .. its okay to feel sad. if i didnt feel sad, then there would be some thing wrong. but it juss hurts soo much.
i have lenny .. B .. And jessica K .. thats all .. there the only ones i know who really care about me.
and i love anton soo much, hes always here for me .. thats why i cant let him go. no one understands, they always tell me, well leave him if he treats you bad. but they dont see what i see. they dont feel what i feel about him. he doesnt treat me bad. hes here for me. when everything is bad. hes there. he makes me laugh when i cry. and thats what i need. ive always needed that.
i have this dam jewlery box lol .. it says to my little girl love daddy. my dad got it for me on my birthday when i was little. when i opened it he was sooo happy. it took him soo much thought in that gift. and when ever i look at it i cry lol .. damm that jewlery box .. i wanna throw it ..
i dont even know any more ...
and now .. i slept alll day im not even tired, and i need someone to talk to, i was soo happy thinkin i wudd talk to anton, we always talk at night for hours .. and suddenly he dont wanna talk at night no more, and we cuddnt talk all day because he was bussy .. so its like we havent really talked all day. o dont know what that means. .. is that bad .. am i looosing him .. what if he dont wanna talk to me because he had a good enufff day with someone else ... its driving me crazy .. but i have too much on my mind ..